


Don't Panic

by Peristeal



Category: Free!
Genre: Anxiety, M/M, Panic Attacks, Sex, sad shit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-08
Updated: 2015-10-08
Packaged: 2018-04-25 10:36:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4957027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Peristeal/pseuds/Peristeal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The pressure of being the best will most likely get to Rin in the end.  Sousuke attempts to help in unethical ways.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Don't Panic

**Author's Note:**

> This is hardly edited. This is probably a mess, so I apologize. Enjoy anyway (:

“Sousuke.”

 

“What?” Sousuke lazily swirls the drink in his Rocks Glass and leans over the island in Rin’s apartment.

 

“Would you sleep with me?”

 

The swirling stopped.  Sousuke continued to stare down at the counter for a moment.  He couldn’t be that drunk.  Maybe the Montilla imported straight from Brazil was a little strong, but even he was modest enough to know he wouldn’t be hearing nonsense right now.

 

“Hey, I asked you a question.” Rin sniffed, wrinkling his nose at being ignored.

 

“I heard you.” Sousuke looked up at his best friend.  Rin was sitting on a stool with his head resting on his arms.  His drink was already empty, and pushed off to the side. He tilted his head and looked at Sousuke, kind of like a cat watching a bird.  His hair was getting longer.  Sousuke watched the ends as they rested against his arms. They were like tiny streams of blood, dripping onto the counter.

 

“Would you?”

 

Sousuke stood up straight and tried to keep his voice even.  “What are you asking me for?”

 

Rin sits up and shrugs, reaching down and begins pulling at the frays on the sleeves of his old high school jacket.  It had become a little small on him since he had gone pro.

 

“It’s just because I know you like guys, and ever since my doctor told me I need to do something to help with my anxiety, I wondered if this would work.  It would just be as friends.”

 

“As friends.” Sousuke repeats back stupidly.

 

Rin only shrugs again. 

 

\---

 

> _Rin Matsuoka, The Champion._

 

The words surround every type of media Sousuke comes in contact with. Magazines, TV, billboards. He even heard some DJs talk about him on the radio.

 

After since they had been young, Rin had sworn that he would compete in the Olympics.  Through hard work, perseverance, and finally, even Rin had to admit, some luck, he had landed a spot.  This alone had been exciting enough.  But as Rin slammed his hands against the touchpad at the finish line in Rio, he raised his head above the water to thousands of cheers.  It had been his first gold, but not his last. By the end of the Olympics, he had a small collection of medals, and businesses from around the world.

 

Sousuke had been ecstatic.  All of Rin’s friends had been there to watch him win.  He still remembers running through the crowd, his large body pushing people aside with no problem.  He jumped into the pool, clothing and all, and Rin met him halfway, jumping into his arms, with tears in his face, and his first medal held high in the air.

 

Life had been perfect.

 

\---

 

Of course, everything quickly lost its perfection.

 

Rin’s publicist had found him on the bathroom floor, struggling to breathe.

 

Sousuke had only learned around it several days later, whenever Rin called him from the hospital.

 

“I’m fine!” He laughed at Sousuke’s worried tone. “They’re just keeping an eye on me, that’s all.”

 

Haru had been in the apartment staying with Rin for a few days when it had happened.  He told Sousuke later that he hadn’t seen Rin eat anything for a few days.

 

Rin wouldn't tell Sousuke what was wrong with him.

 

\---

 

Whenever Sousuke could finally make his way back to Australia, he stayed with Rin at his suite.

 

It was large and expensive.  The smell of leather and cologne almost permeated from the place.  Sousuke stared out the window of the high-rise, looking at the city below.

 

“We should share the bed.” Rin says with his head tipped back, staring at the pictures on his wall.  His sitting at the island, and another glass of alcohol is in his hands.

 

Sousuke looked up at Rin so fast, he could almost feel his neck break.

 

Rin's head turns slowly.  At first he stares at Sousuke and then the corners of his face turn up into a grin. “I’m kidding! Don’t freak out.”

 

Rin takes the couch that night.  Sousuke lies in Rin’s bed and tries not to feel weird that it smells like him.  He sees some of Rin’s hair that had fallen off.  It rests so casually on the pillow.  Sometimes he forgets that Rin is human too.

 

\---

 

The second night Sousuke is in Australia, he shoots up, startled awake. 

 

He finds Rin lying on his back in the bathroom.  His chest rises and falls rapidly, his fingers curl uselessly by his head.  Sousuke drops down and holds his face in his hands, trying to ask him what’s wrong.  The palms of his hands move to push hair away from Rin's forhead.

 

Rin doesn't say anything and continues his heavy breathing.  Sousuke thinks that he may have fallen over.  He hopes he didn't hit his head.

 

When he reaches out for his cell phone and starts to call an ambulance, Rin knocks it out of his hands.

 

“N-n-n-noooo…”  Rin moans out between gasps and presses the palms of his shaking hands into his eyes.  He lets out a strangled cry and Sousuke watches a single tear fall out.

 

Half an hour later, Rin is sitting on his bed, wrapped in his duvet.  Sousuke sits at the foot watching him as he holds the cup of tea with shaky fingers.

 

When he had finally calmed down, he reluctantly told Sousuke that sometimes his anxiety and thoughts became so overwhelming he could no longer breathe at times.

 

Sousuke feels so stupid and helpless.  There was no way he could have known that Rin had panic attacks, and he wishes that he could have done something earlier.

 

Rin shrugs.  He says they happen several times a week.  He’s usually home alone.

  
  
\---

There are two mistakes that Sousuke makes when he agrees to have sex with Rin.

 

The first is they both get extremely drunk. 

 

The second is that he agrees to have sex with Rin.  
  


\---

 

The longer Sousuke stays in Australia with Rin, the more he sees the anxiety in him.

 

His hands have a steady shake that had never been there before.

 

Sometimes when they talk about swimming, Rin will get nauseous halfway through a meal.  He smiles politely at servers and asks them to get him a box.

 

He sees Sousuke’s worried gaze and looks down.

 

They don’t eat out after that.

 

One night they’re drinking some of Rin’s imported liquor.  Rin leans against the counter with his head in his hands, swaying back and forth.  He raises his face and pushes his bangs back with his hand and tightens his grip in his hair, like it’s the only thing holding his head up.  He looks at Sousuke, dark circles under his eyes.

 

Standing up, he walks over to the medicine and pulls out some Celexa and drops two pills onto the counter.  Sousuke finally catches on that he plans on taking them with the alcohol and shoots forward, grabbing his wrists.

 

“No.” Sousuke snaps.

 

Rin throws his head back and laughs. He sounds like a god. “I’m kidding, Sousuke. Calm down." He slurs and opens his hand, letting the pills clatter onto the floor.

 

He turns and stumbles into his bedroom.  Sousuke could see the look of panic in his eyes.

 

Sousuke follows him into the room.  Rin already has his t-shirt off.  Street lights reflect off of his muscled chest.  He points a finger at him and curves it toward himself.  His grin is sensual and half crazed.

 

“Come here.”

 

Sousuke knows it would be better to stay in the doorway and ask Rin to talk to him.

 

Instead he walks into the room and helps Rin take off his pants.  He puts his nose against Rin's neck and gently breathes in while placing small kisses under his jaw.

 

Rin moans and runs his hand from his arm to his shoulder.

 

Sousuke's breath shudders.

 

\---

 

The next time Rin has an anxiety attack, he’s on the phone with Sousuke.  He was supposed to be training at the pool from 1:00 to 6:00.  Sousuke looks at the clock.  It's almost three.

 

“I can’t do it Sousuke, I can’t do it.”

 

“Rin.”

 

“My times aren’t improving. I haven't gotten better. Everyone can tell.”

 

“Rin!”

 

“I’ll never get better! I’m insignificant! They’ll get tired of me and soon they’ll find someone else! Don’t you get it!  They’ll forget about me!”

 

By the time Sousuke makes it to the pool, they won’t let him in.  The sound of the Ambulance’s engine thrums in his ears as he sits outside, his hands wringing in his lap.

 

\---

 

Rin instantly cuts the emergency room bracelet off of his wrist the moment he walks through the doorway to his apartment.  Sousuke looks at it dejected on the counter.

 

“Fucking bullshit.  I knew they were going to cut me from the team.”  Rin runs his hands through his hair and grips the ends like he going to pull it all out.  Sousuke begins following him as he paces a hole in the floor.

 

“Rin, they told you to take a break, because you had a panic attack in the bathroom.”

 

“For two weeks!” Rin rounds on Sousuke, making him stop.  “I can’t be out for that long! There’s no way I’ll be able to make my times!”

 

“Rin, stop worrying about your times and start worrying about actually getting better!” Sousuke snaps.

 

Rin stops, his eyes wide.  Then he bares his teeth like an angry dog. “I. Am. Fine. My times aren’t. Someone younger and faster than me is going to take my place and all those years of training will be for _nothing_.” His eyes tear up and he shakes his head. “I can’t fucking believe this!”

 

Sousuke grabs Rin’s face in his hands and forces him to look in his eyes. “Stop. Rin stop now.  All those years of training are for something.  You won four gold medals. You’ve already shown how amazing you are.”

 

Sousuke tries not to feel the heat building in his face.  Rin’s wide eyes take him in and look at him, like he trying to catch a breath of fresh air.  Rin’s eyes tear up and he falls to the floor, covering his face.

 

“It’s not enough.”  Rin moans through his hands and Sousuke falls next to him, wrapping him in his arms.  He holds him close as he cries.

 

\---

 

After Rin finishes crying, they sit on the floor for a while in silence.  Rin reaches his hand up and places it against Sousuke’s cheek, forcing him to look down.

 

Rin’s cheeks are red and his eyes are watery.  He looks exhausted, but restless at the same time.

 

He pulls Sousuke into their first kiss.

 

They fucked every time without kissing.  Not like this anyway.  This isn’t a kiss that is begging Sousuke to fuck him senseless.  This is a kiss that wants Sousuke to hold him and protect him.

 

Sousuke pulls back and puts his forehead against Rin's.  He needs a moment to breathe.

 

Rin grabs his face and pulls him back under.

 

\---

 

Rin sits on Sousuke's lap, naked and exposed.  He sinks down onto his cock and lowers his head, letting his bangs falls over his eyes.

 

Sousuke quickly pushes Rin's bangs away from his face.  He sees Rin look at him and they're silent for a moment.

 

Rin's arms tighten around his neck and Sousuke can feel his fingers gently brushing against his shoulder blades.  His fingernails are short, chewed and bitten.  

 

"Just make me forget everything."  Rin begs, leaning forward until his forehead is on Sousuke's collarbone.

 

Sousuke holds onto Rin like he's made of glass and fucks him relentlessly.  Rin leans forward until his forehead is pressed into Sousuke's collarbone.

 

Rin's moans are heard and felt.  They course through Sousuke's body and vibrate deep in his soul.  He grabs Rin's hair at the base of his neck and pulls it back, showing his white collarbone to the moonlight.

 

His eyes travel down the concave of Rin's skeleton.  He sees small muscles in his neck that twitch and expand with every gasp.  Without thinking, he takes his hand from Rin's hair and puts it over his neck.

 

Sousuke's fingers curl just enough to feel Rin's skin sink in, like he's finally breaking the surface tension of the water.

 

Rin's eyes open and he looks down at him.  His mouth is open whenever he moans, and Sousuke can feel the sound vibrate through his fingertips.

 

 _Do it._  

 

Sousuke's finger's twitch. 

 

Sousuke suddenly let's go and watches Rin fall back onto the bed.  

 

The blue bed sheets make Rin look like he's sinking underwater.

 

 

\---

 

Rin's back lays exposed to the night air.  Sousuke reaches forward and skims his fingers down his spine.

 

The air conditioning hums in the background.

 

"If you had choked me." Rin's voice breaks the silence.  "I would have let you."

 

Sousuke pulls his hand away and stares at Rin's back.  He doesn't say anything.

 

Rin doesn't seem to mind not getting a response.  He's asleep minutes later.

 

 

Sousuke lays awake longer.  He wants to move until his chest presses against Rin's back. He wants to buy his nose into his hair and breathe him in.

 

He doesn't.

 

\---

 

 

Two days, one anxiety attack, and one empty fifth of Vodka later, Rin is leaned over the island in his kitchen.  His cheek presses into old marble and he moans when Sousuke bites the back of his thigh.

 

He's beginning to think alcohol runs through his veins instead of blood.

 

The bitterness still dances on his tongue, and when Sousuke pulls his hips for him to stand up, he stumbles a little, landing into a strong chest.  A brick wall for him to lean on.

 

Rin throws his head back and laughs while Sousuke struggles to keep him standing.  Finally they manage to make their way to the couch. 

 

Rin lays on his back with Sousuke above him.  His body blocks the light, casting a shadow over him.

 

He feels safe, secure, and untouchable.

 

It scares him.

 

Grabbing Sousuke's shoulder, he pulls him until his mouth is only inches from his ear.

 

_Fuck me._

 

The safe and secure feeling is gone once he's flipped over with his face pressed into a pillow.  

 

He tries to find a reason, an explanation.  His body rocks with every movement and he feels his insides ache.  Sousuke grabs his hips so hard, his nails dig into his skin.  He listens to his groans and lets the sound of lust drown his thoughts.

 

The whole around him doesn't exist and he feels like he's far away.  He's happy with the feeling.

 

One less thing to worry about.

**Author's Note:**

> Peristeal.tumblr.com
> 
>  
> 
> Let me know what you thought? Thank youuu


End file.
